What's the most valuable lesson you've learned in life, and how has it impacted your journey so far?

Tess' boyfriend, Ed, now works as a Peter Lorre impersonator.

Speaking of which, poor Cleo Coco has ended up appearing in anti-vice pamphlets.

Just you, me, in a vat of lime jello, pulling hair, calling each other names …

Why do you allow your cat to lie in bed with you?

Before there was MAGA there was … the Comics Code Authority

Make Nazis afraid again!

Torchy, we're unemployed … And no one is hiring scantily-clad wastrels these days.

What should every American know before traveling to the UK?

Two letters of transit signed by General De Gaulle … Stimpy, you eediot!

At least until the peyote kicks in ...

I've also been making ends meet ... By appearing in Tijuana splatter comics as Evil Gringo #2.

What should I do if a girl whom I love asks me to be her friend?

Of all the layoffs, Torchy Todd and her gal pal, Tess Parker, were hit the hardest.

Yes, Tess, crime doesn't pay but apparently Rated-G horror does.

In order to answer this I came up with a little story that goes like this …

What are some tips for a girl with low self-esteem to start dating?

Times might be tough … But at least there's one thing we all agree on.

Ironically, Wertham focused on stories about crime, singling out Batman and Robin for its gay subtext and Dick Tracy for its violence.

Let's do what we always do, lay around half-naked while men make terrible jokes at our expense.

Why do some straight men enjoy wearing women's lingerie?

¡Explotando Dick por todos lados!

In 1954 complete bastard and censorship campaigner Fredric Wertham published a book for the stated goal of creating a moral panic around comic book's alleged impact on juvenile delinquency. Much like the House Committee on Un-American Activities' disastrous impact on the film industry, the Comics Code Authority (obey, puny humans) put many hardworking comic book characters out of work all because of one poorly written book called …

“Your boyfriend is a total perv, mommy.”

Is heroin really as good as people say it is?

And I ended up moonlighting in Japanese porn, but the less said about that the better.

Remember, kids, masturbation will make you see the devil everywhere!

Only zombies dig to rock and roll, daddy-O!

What was your most embarrassing wardrobe malfunction in public?

Dick! I heard about the lay-off. What's a square-jaw crime fighter doing these days to bring in the bling?

I hear you're a stunt-double now for Fred in Scooby-Doo.

TEXT:

Can you explain the meaning of "mint condition" in relation to antiques or collectibles?

Gadzooks! It's Torchy Todd slumming it in Yugoslavian science fiction! The shame!

Shameless vixen! Trollop!

Torchy thinks: Maybe I could play a gangster's moll since apparently smoking is still seen as wholesome and American.

Why do men think I’m easy just by looking at me?

Marijuana makes Jesus cry!

Perhaps now we can explore what being a “gal pal” really means.

Sex! Lingerie! Knock knock jokes!

Do you usually wear your panties over or under your pantyhose?

Every day is a good day to punch a Nazi! I mean MAGA! I mean the Comics Code Authority! (I can never remember who is who)

And then working as Betty and Veronica's body doubles ...

But Tess! I mean Betty! I mean Veronica! (I can never remember who is who) which ever one you are, I love you!

If a female has XX chromosomes and a male has XY chromosomes, what chromosomes do transgenders have?

After you lather me up with that strawberry hand lotion.